gurhal

You can get a lot  more done with a kind  word and gun, than you can with a kind word  alone .
- Al Capone

A lifelong Socialist was dying when he suddenly decided to join the Tory
party.
‘But why?’ asked his puzzled friends. ‘You‘ve been a staunch Socialist all your
life.’
‘Well, he replied, ‘I’d rather it was a Tory that died than a Socialist.’

Teacher: ‘Everything you do is wrong. How can you expect to get a job
when you leave school’
Pupil: ‘Well, sir! I’m going to be a TV weatherman.

That’s a nice suit you’re wearing — who went for the fitting?’

My wife’s best friend has just celebrated the twentieth anniversary of her
twenty-ninth birthday

History teaches us that men and nations live wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
-  Abba  Eban

Two astrologers met each other in the street on a particularly cold and bitter
day.
‘Terrible winter we’re having,’ muttered one .
‘Yes,’ replied the other. ‘It reminds me of the winter of 2057

Pretty young girl: ‘If I go up to your room do you promise to be good?’

Young man: ‘Why — I promise to be FANTASTIC!’

Teacher: “Who were the first human beings?”
Pupil: “Adam and Eve.”
Teacher: “And what nationality were they?”
Pupil: Indian, of course.”
Teacher: “And how ho you know they were Indian?”
Pupil: “Easy. They had no roof over their heads, no clothes to wear and only
one apple between them - and they called it Paradise.”

The re a s ona ble  man  adapts himself to the world; the  unreasonable  persists in  trying  to adapt  the
world to himself.
Therefore, all progress depends on  the unreasonable man . ’
- George Bernard S h aw

Teacher : “You missed school yesterday, didn’t you?”
Pupil: “Not a bit.”

Woman  begins by resisting a  man’s   advances, and ends  by blocking his retreat. - Oscar Wilde

When I eventually met Mr Right, I had no idea his first name was Always. -एका स्त्रीचे उद्गार 

The mother of many children lined up her family.

“The one who obeys me immediately and does exactly as he’s told without arguing will get a rupee at the end of the week.”

“It’s not fair,” said the youngest kid, bursting into tears.
“Daddy’ll win easily.”

Adoctor was called in to see a rather testy aristocrat.


“Well, sir, what’s the matter?” he asked cheerily.


“That, sir,” growled the patient, “is for you to find out.”


“I see,“ said the doctor thought-fully. 
“Well, if you’ll excuse me for an hour or so I’ll go along and fetch a friend of mine - a veterinarian. He is the only chap I know who can make a diagnosis without asking questions.”

Little Ernie was having a problem with his homework.
‘Dad,’ he asked, ‘What is the difference between “anger” and “exasperation”?’


‘Well, son,’ said his father, ‘I’ll give you a practical demonstration.’


His father picked up the phone and dialled a number.
‘Hello,’ said a voice at the other end.
‘Hello,’ said Ernie’s father. ‘Is Melvin there?’
‘There is no one called Melvin here!’ the voice replied. ‘Why don’t you look
up numbers before you dial them?’


‘You see?’ said Ernie’s father. ‘That man was not at all happy with our call.
But watch this!’


He then dialled the number again, and says, ‘Hello, is Melvin there?’
‘Now look here!’ the voice said angrily. ‘I told you there is no Melvin here!
You have got a lot of nerve calling again!’


‘Did you hear that?’ Ernie’s father asked. ‘That was “anger”. Now, I will show
you what “exasperation” is!’


He dialled once again. 
And on hearing the voice at the other end, Ernie’s father said: 


‘Hello! This is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?’

An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby. ‘The lift will be down presently,’ the receptionist told him.


‘The lift?’ said the American. ‘Oh, you mean the elevator.’


‘No, I mean the lift.’ replied the Englishman.


‘I think I should know what it is called,’ said the American. ‘Elevators were
invented in the States.’


‘Perhaps...... ’ retorted the Englishman. ‘But we invented the language.